While we often have no control over the bad things that happen to us, we can control how we move through and beyond the pain of bad situations. That means dropping the blame game and focusing on healing, says Harriet Cabelly, a grief and adversity counselor in NYC.

“The big question is, do we desire healing? It seems obvious— of course we all want relief from pain,” she says. “But often we become victims of our pain. We remain focused on the other, on what someone else did to us, on what God did to us, on what the world did to us, and so we remain feeling connected in a reproachful way.”

A key to healing is to “sweep in front of our own house,” she says—to decide how we’re going to recreate our own lives. “Fixating on blame and the offenses done to us keeps us stuck in our lousy situation and certainly in the drama of it. We need to disconnect to begin to heal.”

Cabelly guides her clients toward healing by allowing for their feelings of pain and sadness, and then empowering them to respond to bad situations, helping them drop the victim role and find purpose and meaning in their situation.

For more information, contact Harriet Cabelly at 516-214-4778 or visit RebuildLifeNow.com or Facebook.com/rebuildlifenow/.